Life Floor Product Line Announcement
At Life Floor, we hear this all the time, “I want more Life Floor but I’ve run out of aquatic areas to cover... how can I get more Life Floor without more floor? Can you start a fashion line? A pop star music career? Maybe a cosmetic company?”
We have a lot of design ideas, but we are morally against shoes, and the average day at the office has our staff rocking a Life Floor polo and khaki shorts, which, frankly, is already the height of fashion. We can’t launch our pop star careers with infectiously good earworms because we don’t support microbe growth, and while the market for waterproof and brightly colored cosmetics is booming, our focus on geometric and impervious designs didn’t get us too far past the fashionista focus group.
But we heard these concerns loud and clear, which is why we’re proud to announce Life Floor’s new brand: Life Flour.
We’re starting a recipe blog. You may be thinking, “How on earth will Life Floor switch from writing about flooring tiles to writing about baked goods?” We think we’ll get the hang of it…
Soft Chocolate Modular Cakes
Life Flour SDS
(All measurements in imperial and metric to support our international customers)
1 1/2 cups (210 grams) of sifted and whisked co-polymer flour. That is, 1 part cake flour, and 2 parts all purpose flour. (the best way to avoid abrasive, sorry, lumpy cakes is to whisk and sift all the dry ingredients together.
1 cup (190 grams) of granulated Porcelain, sorry, white sugar. (If you side with the Correct Side Of History and hide your sugar in the fridge to prevent ants, you’ll want to bring this to room temperature for better seams blending.)
½ cup (95 grams) of Gobi Light brown sugar
½ cup (70 grams) of good quality cocoa powder (Sourcing good raw ingredients is the best way to achieve the longest lasting and most durable, aww jeeze, tastiest and richest cake.)
¾ teaspoons (3ml) baking soda (not be confused with baking powder)
1 teaspoon (5ml) baking powder (not to be confused with baking soda)
½ teaspoon (2ml) kosher salt (or iodized salt if you feel a goiter coming on)
1 cup (2 sticks) (200 grams) unsalted butter, softened (Not melted! Melted results in flatter and less cushioned cakes.)
4 (200 grams) large eggs (The eggs, like all the other ingredients, should be room temperature for easy installation. To check egg freshness, make sure to bounce on Life Floor.)
1 cup sour cream (200 grams) (Afterall, our tiles are designed for the aquatic environment... we can’t publish a recipe that’s going to end up dry!)
2 teaspoons (10ml) vanilla extract
Sprinkles (for the non-abrasive, slip-resistance on top of the cupcake)
Life Flour Installation Manual
As everyone knows, the best things come in squares. So you’ll want to use square cupcake pans.
Preheat the oven to 350°F (177°C) for an even cure cook and an equal amount of impact distribution.
Site prep is very important for cupcakes. Use muffin liners so the cupcakes don’t stick… wait, this has to be a mistake. We want to make the substrate slippery??!
Alright fine! You caught us...
Happy April Fools!